'Oi, Blair - you're nicked'

There are an estimated 4.2 million CCTV cameras in Britain and a recent report by the privacy watchdog, the Information Commissioner, warned that Britain was becoming a "surveillance society". But that was before today’s announcement by the guardian of our civil liberties, Home Secretary John Reid, that people in 20 areas will now be subject to loudspeaker warnings by CCTV control staff. “Talking” CCTV is also being planned for the 2012 London Olympics, which is more great news, no doubt at great expense. The possibilities are endless, perhaps even to the point where citizens themselves can use talking CCTV to turn the tables against the state itself.

Loudspeaker: “Oi, you, Blair. What do you think you’re doing? What’s all this anti-social behaviour stuff in Iraq and Afghanistan? How do you expect to get away with that?”

Blair: “Well, you know, it’s my legacy. I am actually bringing peace to the world and, you know, letting people know how great our values are.”

Loudspeaker: “Pull the other one Blair. My CCTV shows me that you’ve been a right nuisance all round. There are dead bodies all over my screens and you’re telling me that’s good news?”

Blair: “Well, not exactly. But we have to stay the course. If we pack it in now, we leave the job half done. And where will the Iraqi people be then?”

Loudspeaker: “ A lot better off. Anyway, I’ve got to take some action. My CCTV doesn’t lie.”

Blair: “Well, actually, I’m a bit of an expert about lying so perhaps I could help. You will remember those images of Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction. Well, I got some of the boys on The Sun to help me out there.”

Loudspeaker: “Just as I thought. Anti-social behaviour plus lying. It looks like you’re in big trouble Blair.”

Blair: “Hold on. You know, I’m actually in charge of all this CCTV stuff and I’ve got these great databases for DNA and fingerprints. I can actually tell when a child is in the womb whether he’ll turn out to be a criminal.”

Loudspeaker: “I wish we had that technology when you were in the womb - then we could have done something about it. Anyway, you have had enough warnings. You’re nicked.”

Blair: “But you can’t do that. What about my legacy? What about my place in history? After all, I made the Labour Party safe for big business. I’ve got more great plans to invade other countries like Iran and lock up loads more asylum seekers. You can’t arrest me. I am above the law. I am the state.”

Loudspeaker: “That’s what you think. Things have changed around here. Take him away.”