Out of work? Cameron has just the job for you

As the dole queue lengthens and living standards fall faster than at any time since the 1930s, you’ll be pleased to know that there is work there for all who want it in a planned new government agency.

The Stop The Anonymous Suspect Immigrant Agency (Stasia) is looking for staff to put into practice the policy announced by prime minister Cameron yesterday when he called on people to “shop” those they suspected might not be entitled to live in Britain.

Applicants should preferably be white British and able to answer questions like who won last year’s X-Factor and who are the judges in this year’s competition. Guidelines for spotting an illegal immigrant are being prepared, but are likely to include people who:

• are not fair-skinned and who have fuzzy hair (especially on the face)
• are heard speaking in a non-European foreign language or with a strong accent
• decline to go down the pub for a drink after work/refuse to buy a round when it’s their turn
• show no interest in the fortune of England sporting teams (especially at cricket)
• do not go for walks in the countryside and/or stay at home a lot
• are spotted sending money abroad to relatives
• work very long hours and perhaps have two or three low-paid jobs
• live in cramped houses or even sheds in people’s back gardens in Southall
• visit a hospital or GP without proving their entitlement
• do not own a car or drive without insurance (a lot of white people do this as well, which is a challenge)
• are unable to say when the Romans conquered Britain, what the Wars of the Roses were and whether the Magna Carta includes the right to a jury trial.

Payment per illegal immigrant shopped is being considered as a way of measuring performance of Stasia staff. Demand for the 10,000 jobs available with Stasia is likely to be heavy because of plummeting living standards.

A new report by the Institute for Fiscal Studies says that falling incomes will lead to the sharpest drop for middle-income families since the 1970s and will push 600,000 more children into poverty. By 2013 there will be 3.1 million children in poverty in the UK, according to the IFS projections. Some 17% of UK children were already living in absolute poverty in 2009-10.

There will also be 2.5m working-age parents and four million working-age adults without children in absolute poverty by 2013, says the report. Alison Garnham, chief executive of Child Poverty Action Group, said: "Ministers seem to be in denial that, under current policies, their legacy threatens to be the worst poverty record of any government for a generation. They risk damaging childhoods and children's life chances, as well as our national economic wellbeing from wasted potential and social costs spiral. It would be a catastrophic failure in public policy and political leadership."

For some, albeit a small minority, the crisis simply passes them by. We are talking of chief executives, directors, hedge fund managers, speculators and other assorted masters of the universe. Their role, among others, is to minimise tax payments and maximise shareholder returns.

A new report by ActionAid reveals that of the 100 biggest corporations listed on the London Stock Exchange, 98 use tax havens. Of their more than 34,000 subsidiary companies, joint ventures and associates, nearly one in four is located in a tax haven. The biggest tax haven user overall is the advertising company WPP, which has 611 tax haven companies!

Now, setting up a hot-line to shop a capitalist tax avoider/bankster/speculator/polluter/anti-union employer… Dream on!

Paul Feldman

Communications editor

Britain's cultural divide

Whilst the big cities, London in particular, have an incredible wealth of galleries, museums, theatres, libraries, music, dance, clubs and sports facilities to offer, some of them even free, other parts of Britain like South Shields (where X-Factor winner Joe McElderry comes from), large areas of Yorkshire, Scotland, Cumbria, the Midlands and Kent are unemployment black spots and cultural deserts.

This reality persists and has become even worse in the years of New Labour despite the incredible cultural potential of the technological revolution. The impoverishment of the majority has been in inverse proportion to the rise and rise of the new global super-rich – the “hyper-educated, internationally minded meritocrats who have been the chief beneficiaries of globalisation and the technological revolution”, as one writer has described them.

The advent of digitisation has made things possible that could not even be dreamt as little as a decade ago. Digitisation and personal communications have an incredible potential to provide mass access to appreciating high quality artistic and sporting performances, not only for individuals but in a highly social way.

In the late 1990s art galleries began to make their collections available online and music lovers could listen to any number of tracks. Google is in the process of scanning in the world’s literary heritage for people to download on gadgets like its Kindle book reader. Now, downloadable applications for iPhone for example, now mean, that, for £1.19 you can listen to 800 tracks by great composers or for £1.79 you can view 250 works from the National Gallery’s collection. Sound cheap? It is, but to get your iPhone, you need to tie yourself into an expensive long-term contract.

As with all the extraordinary potential offered by the on-going technological revolution, there is a sting in the tail which is summed up by the viewing figures for low-brow programmes on television as well as the high readership figures for abysmal and racist rags like the Daily Mail and The Sun.

Appreciating and participating in “high” culture remains the preserve of a strictly limited proportion of the population, even while the last few years have seen millions taking advantage of free admissions to museums and galleries. Globalisation has shown the real thirst for accessible and affordable culture.

The economic recession has reinforced this, rather than weakening it. Witness the significant increase in attendances at National Trust venues, theatre and other forms of what might be called “high culture”. For some there is a turn away from reducing “achievement” in life to bling, fancy homes and cars, to a search for meaning and fulfilment. Once again, however, this is strictly for those with cash to spare as anyone who has tried to buy a ticket for the West End theatre quickly finds out.

For the moguls and executives of the companies who dominate what goes on television screens and the mass media, there is only one serious question: how to overcome declining advertising revenues. The most obvious is to mine the gullibility of viewers by dragging out ever less famous “celebrities” and providing public humiliations for the spectator while raking in the money through phone votes.

The viewing figures for the final of The X-Factor, which was seen by 19 million people just before Christmas, and the continuing success of Celebrity Big Brother – watched by 6.2m on Sunday night – provide serious food for thought, as well as nice little earners for the likes of Simon Cowell. The continuing success of these shows underlines perhaps more than anything else, the cultural divide that prevails in Britain.

Corinna Lotz
A World to Win